my coming out story

Once upon a time groups of people in different societies decided what the rules were regarding sexuality and love. Luckily for us those rules have already evolved a lot throughout the centuries—or we’d still have crazy laws like ‘Prima Nocta’—but we still have a long way to go (especially in less developed parts of the world). Different societies have different rules, and even here in the West there is quite some disagreement about what is ‘acceptable’ when it comes to relationships.

Because, of course, it’s everyone’s business who other people love consensually. #sarcasm.

And yet we all have opinions about what others do. There are those who go as far as ruining people’s lives (or even taking them) because they don’t share the same sexual desires. Or perhaps because they do, but that’s a whole other discussion…

I’ve been lucky being born where I was, surrounded by the people who are part of my life. No one blinked when I realized I was bi-sexual. It was just normal. I didn’t have to come out of the proverbial closet because both men and women could make my knees go a little wobbly. That was fine.

But I do have something to come out about, though… something that I find a lot more complex and that took me years to wrap my own head around. To be honest, I still haven’t fully yet, because I find it difficult to break through my own preconceived notions about love and clear my thoughts about it all.

You see, I have discovered over the years that I am polyamorous. I knew something was up before I even knew that there was such a thing as polyamory. Some of you may now scratch your head and think ‘what now?’ (don’t worry, that was my first reaction too) so let me Wikipedia that for you:

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, "many, several", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice of or desire for intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the knowledge of all partners. It has been described as "consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy".

That last part is important, the consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy bit, because polyamory is not about cheating on your partner. In fact, I am very much against cheating; I’m a very open and honest person. And yet that’s the first thing people think of with multiple partners.

There are several types of relationships out there that involve more than one partner, some are just based on sex, but polyamory focuses on the emotional connection as well as a sexual one. I feel a strong need to have a deep bond with people.

After my last relationship I knew that monogamy wasn’t for me. I never even told my previous partner, but when I met my husband I told him that I didn’t want that kind of relationship anymore. He was okay with that. My husband isn’t polyamorous and would have been perfectly happy with a monogamous relationship—and to be fair most of our 15 years together have been monogamous. I haven’t dated a lot of people during my marriage, I don’t fall for people easily, which I think is a blessing.

I don’t like being this way.

It’s a struggle for me. I would rather not be polyamorous, because I constantly feel like there is something missing from my life, while there isn’t. I am married to the love of my life. Even though I don’t actually believe in souls, I would describe him as my soul-mate, because that’s the most intimate word I can think of. I’m not polyamorous because I am bored of my marriage. There is nothing to be bored with, I have a great life. It’s not because I don’t have an interesting sex life, because I really do. None of those things are relevant to how I feel. There is this weird need, that I can’t really define myself, that leads me back to polyamory each time. And I have tried to find substitutes for it. Even in my friendships. I have had very close and intense platonic relationships that would fill that strange emptiness I felt. Because it was safer that way. These friendships never quite lasted.

I find my need for more than one love utterly heartbreaking at times. It feels as if I am telling my wonderful husband that he’s just not enough for me. That cuts me right down to the core, because it’s not about him. He is fantastic and I am lucky to have a partner like him. In fact I feel like *I* am failing him, rather than the other way around. And though he is very understanding, it’s not easy for him either. I am constantly in a tangle of mixed feelings about this and it’s making me reluctant to give into certain emotions.

Recently I started accepting who I am and what I am about. It’s not easy because my decisions affect more than just myself. That’s the problem with polyamory, the more people you add to the mix, the more emotions you have to deal with. Plus, like homosexuality, it’s not exactly understood and accepted by the world outside my home. Some people can even get very hateful because you experience the world differently from them. I have heard about the mess an acquaintance of mine went through for living in an openly polyamorous relationship. She had to fight for her right to be.

So, it would be easier if I just ignore that side of me, and live my life as it is now. I have a pretty damn good life after all… but that’s not who I am. I don’t go for easy. I have never been someone who would shy away from people’s biases towards me. It’s not up to other people to judge what I can or can’t do with my own life. Especially when I am not hurting anyone else.

Yet… with this I have struggled, because it’s not just my life. There are a few things I worry about. What if my daughter suffers repercussions because of who I am? What if parents decide that their kids can’t play with mine because of who I am? That sort of thing keeps me up at night. At the same time, my home life is not that different from anyone else’s. I think the weirdest things in my life have nothing to do with my relationships, but are more geared towards LARP and other nerd hobbies.

 

I don’t live in some hippie commune and I don’t have lots of different partners (and even if I did, it shouldn't matter, because it won’t make me a different person than I am now).

In fact, I am still really trying to find myself in this whole process and I don’t really know what I want from all this yet. It’s all just baby steps from here and trying to find the lifestyle that will make both my husband and myself happy. It’s an interesting search, and I feel filled with happiness and energy most of the time. But there are moments where I feel a deep sense of sadness, because part of me wishes that I would just be ‘normal’ and not have to worry about everyone around me. Those are the moments where I doubt myself, where I feel ‘selfish’ and even a bit destructive in an odd way. I was taught to have one partner, and it feels wrong to have feelings for more than one person. These are not lessons that I can easily switch off, and it’s all too tempting to go along in the view society has on any sort of polygamous relationship.

Having said all that, denying who I am makes me unhappy, and I believe to live life to the fullest. So that is why I have decided to make this difficult decision and speak openly about my sexuality. I am a polyamorous bisexual… and I guess that’s okay.